Andy isn't very bright. One day, he was in the supermarket when a friend rushed up to him saying, "Andy, Andy, come quick. Someone is stealing your car." So Andy rushed outside but soon came back.
"Did you catch him?" his friend asked anxiously.
"Nope," he replied, "But I got his licence plate number."
A young woman brings her fiance, Jannis, home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am an archaeologist," Jannis replies.
"An archaeologist. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," Jannis replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," Jannis replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies Jannis. The conversation proceeds like this, until Jannis has to leave.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?", and the father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
David phones up a railway information desk and asks:
"Could you tell me how long it takes to go from London to Edinburgh?"
"Just a minute, sir..." says the operator.
"Thank you", says David and puts down the phone.
"I'd like the number for Dr Smith in Dagenham" said Semiu, the East London boy to the telephone enquiries operator.
"There are multiple listings for Dr Smith in that area" the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
Semiu hesitated a moment, then said, "Well, most people here just call me Eni."
A Primary school teacher told her pupils that if they could answer a question, they could go to lunch early. She asked little Mary in the front row, "What did you do at morning tea Mary?"
Mary replied that she had played in the sand pit. "Okay Mary, "said the teacher. "If you can spell sand for me, you can go." So Mary spelt out "S -A - N -D" and off she went.
Then she asked Johnny, "What did you do at morning tea Johnny?" Johnny replied that he'd played in the sand pit too. So the teacher said, "If you can spell pit for me, you can go too." So Johnny spelt out "P - I - T" and took off as well.
There was a little Chinese boy down the back of the class and she said to him, "Mervin, what did you do during morning tea?" Mervin replied that he'd wanted to play in the sand pit, but the other kids wouldn't let him, so the teacher said, "Okay Mervin, if you can spell racial discrimination for me, you can go too..."
A man named Duncan had been a doctor for 25 years when he finally became sick of the stress. So he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota, USA as far from humanity as possible.
Duncan sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door... He opens it and there is a man in a cowboy hat standing there.
"Name's Afoke... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Duncan, "after six months of this I'm ready for a party. Thanks for inviting me!"
As Afoke is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the NHS, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Afoke stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Tough crowd, Duncan thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again!"
Once again Afoke turns from the door... "I've seen these parties get raunchy too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Duncan, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Afoke stops in the door one last time and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
These are from insurance claim forms, where the person who had the accident was asked to briefly describe what happened:
Three men are about to be executed for revolutionary activities in an understaffed prison. One's Cuban, one's Colombian, and one's Khalistani.
The guard brings the Cuban, Fidel, forward first and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..."
Suddenly Fidel yells, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone is startled and looks around as he escapes.
The guard brings the Colombian, Aureliano, forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..."
Suddenly Aureliano yells, "TORNADO!" Once again, everyone is startled and looks around, while he silently slips away.
By now the Khalistani, Palm, has it all figured out, and the guard brings him forward. The executioner asks if he has any last requests, he says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..." and Palm yells, "FIRE!"
A nun, a rabbi, an Irishman, a clown, a giraffe, and a cabbage walk into a bar.
The barman looks at them and says 'What is this? Some kind of joke?'
A man walks into a bar.
"Ouch!"
At a bar in Birmingham, the man to Chris's left tells the bartender, "Johnny Walker, Single."
And the man's companion says, "Jack Daniels, Single."
The bartender approaches Chris and asks, "And you Sir?"
Chris replies: "Chris Manu, Married."
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her. Jesus stepped in front of her and said "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." From the back of the crowd, someone shouted "That's right Jesus, you always want to go first."
These are from church magazines and newsletters:
A man just learns that his daughter has gone into labour in St Mary's, London. Immediately he rings the husband, Tony J, to ask how it went.
"Fine," says Tony from Edgbaston, "They've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."
A beautiful young woman accompanies her grandmother for a doctor's appointment. They both enter Dr Sid's office.
"It's about the sore throat" said the young woman.
"Alright," said Dr Sid. "Go behind that curtain and please remove your top."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my grandmother here."
"Oh, very well," said Dr Sid. "Madam, stick out your tongue please...."
Krishna and Mohan have a head-on collision while driving. Both cars are a total loss but amazingly, neither of them is hurt. They crawl out of their respective wreckages.
Krishna sees Mohan's leopard skin caveman outfit and says, "You must be from Bromley...I'm from England. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left. Still, we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace for the rest of our lives."
Mohan replies in conformity, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
Krishna continues, "Look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky survived. Surely God wants us to share a drink and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to Mohan who takes a couple of big swigs and hands the bottle back to Krishna. Krishna takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on and hands it back to Mohan. Mohan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
Krishna replies, "No thanks...I'll just wait for the cops."