Deep within a forest, a bruised hedgehog starts climbing a tree trunk. After many hours, he finally reaches one ot the uppermost branches, and crawls along it. When he reaches the end, he waves his front legs forwards and jumps into the air... and crashed to the ground with a thud.
He repeats this again and again over the next few days, as two hummingbirds look on sadly from an adjacent branch.
One turns to the other and says 'Dear, do you think it's time to tell him he's adopted?'
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was tied to the first.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
Because it wanted to be a monkey.
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A man drives home from work, and suddenly brakes after seeing two penguins in the middle of the road. He picks them up and puts them in the back seat, before driving home. As he pulls up, he greets his wife and tells her he's going to take the penguins to the zoo.
A few hours later, she hears the car pull up and opens the door, only to see him bringing the 2 penguins in. Confused, she says 'I thought you were taking them to the zoo?'
'I did. We had a great time! Tomorrow we're going to the beach!'
Two birds are sitting on a perch.
One bird says to the other "Do you smell something fishy?"
A solicitor went on a sailing holiday in the Caribbean. One day out at sea, his boat capsized in a turbulent storm. He jumped into the water, and he struggled to swim away, a shark appeared next to him. Clinging on to the shark's fin, he was taken to the nearest port.
The onlookers were amazed at the sight of the shark bearing the man to the beach. As he clambered ashore, they asked how he had managed such a feat.
'Professional courtesy' the solicitor answered.
A pair of chickens walk up to the 'Withdrawals' desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK' with three books under their wings. The librarian decides that the chickens wants those three books, and checks them out for them...and the chickens leave afterwards.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the desk quite vexed with another three books and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want these new three books and checks them out again. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed with a pile of five books and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She follows them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
A zoo acquires a rare female gorilla from the African highlands. But soon afterwards, the managers notice the gorilla is becoming difficult to handle. A vet is called in, and after examining her, tells the officials that she's in heat. To compound the situation, there were no male gorillas at the zoo.
In desperation, the officials start asking their staff if they would satisfy the gorilla for $5000. Finally, one of the employees said he would think about it carefully and get back to them.
The next day, he turns up and and tells the managers that he would accept on three conditions.
'First, I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla, and second, I don't want to be responsible for any consequences of the encounter.'
The managers quickly agree to those conditions, and ask what the third condition was.
'Well...I'll need another week to save up $5000'
One day a bear was chasing a rabbit through a forest and whilst they were running through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Oooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts."
They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
The bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. The rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
The bear was amazed at the rabbit's wish, but carried on with his
second wish. He thought for a moment and wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
The bear could not believe it and complained that the rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, the bear pondered for a while and made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to the rabbit for his last wish.
The rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.
One day, a panda enters a restaurant. He sits down at a table and orders a meal. The waiter brings some foliage for him, and the panda munches them happily. After he finishes, he gets up from the table, takes out a gun, and fires at the waiter. The restaurant manager hears the gunshot, and rushes out. He sees the panda walking out of the door and demands an explanation for what he did. The panda simply replies "I'm a panda. This is what pandas do. Go look it up in a dictionary" and goes out.
The manager opens up a dictionary and looks up 'panda.' The entry reads 'Large black and white member of the bear family; eats shoots and leaves.'