An Internet Service Provider called America On-Line decided to have on-line chatrooms for philosophical discussions and intellectual stimulation. That plan soon went out of the window, and now we have a new AOL Chat, with 6 distinct types of chatrooms, composed by the creative minds of the denizens on AOL :
AOL users congregate in these chatrooms and type into the room, thus holding a "conversation." There are also other rooms into which special guests are sometimes invited. In fact, recently, the level of discussion on AOL reached new heights when a typing gorilla was invited on. For more information on each type of chatroom, click on the corresponding link, or scroll down.
The most common type of chat. Usually it consists of strangers who are lonely (and after a while in here, one begins to understand why). They come in and start asking about each other :
I'mBored: i'm bored
Metoo: so am i
Onlinehost: ***Justcomein enters room
Justcomein: Hi all
I'mBored: Hi Jus
Metoo: Hi Ju
Letstalk: Hi Just
Niceperson: Hello Justcomein
Letstalk: How are you today?
Justcomein: Fine, and you ?
Letstalk: Fine
Coolperson: cool
(pause)
Justcomein: anyone want to chat?
Letstalk: yes
Coolperson: cool
(pause)
Justcomein: asl everyone?
I'mBored: 15/m/PA
Metoo: 17/f/IL
Coolperson: cool, 16/m/CA
Hotguy: 18/m/NY
Letstalk: 18/once a week/TX
Justcomein: lol
Niceperson: hahaha
Justcomein: lol
Justcomein: ur so funny letstalk!
Niceperson: rofl
Letstalk: haha, what does rofl mean ?
Niceperson: rolls on floor laughing
Letstalk: lol, ok
I'mBored: i'm bored
Metoo: so am i
Coolperson: this room's cool
Hotguy: if anyone (ie any girl) wants to talk to an 18/m, press
Hotguy: 478214956.305768 now
Hotgirl: 478214956.305768
Onlinehost: ***Hotguy & Hotgirl leave and go to a private (bed) room
(pause)
I'mBored: i'm bored
Metoo: so am I
I'mBored: i'm still bored
Metoo: so am I
Justcomein: what's it like in Texas, lets ?
Letstalk: its nice
Coolperson: cool
Metoo: this room sucks, i'm going
Letstalk: shut up metoo
Justcomein: no, you suck metoo
I'mBored: I'm bored
Niceperson: go out then metoo
Onlinehost: ***Metoo leaves room
Niceperson: I hate horrible people like him
Letstalk: yeah, I'm glad he's gone
(pause)
Niceperson: Sorry all i have to go, been great meeting u
Justcomein: Bye nice person
Letstalk: Nice knowing you (pun -'Nice knowing you'- get it ?),
Letstalk: goodbye
Justcomein: hahahahahahhaaha
Coolperson: lol, cool joke
I'mBored: I'm bored
Onlinehost: ***Niceperson leaves room
Onlinehost: ***Newcomer enters room
Newcomer: Hi all
I'mBored: Hi new
Letstalk: Hi newc
Justcomein: Hi comer
(conversation loops back to top)
And so kids, the moral of the story is Don't give out your name to strangers.
The online equivalent of the Soho district in London, where you can go if you're desperate for sex (well, so I've heard). But as you don't know who or what you're talking to, there is the introductory process of getting to know one another in these chatrooms, before you head off elsewhere to one-handedly type some rude things and then leave. Sociologists have put forward a controversial new theory that about 95% of the people in these rooms are male. Found in room categories 'Romance' (???- these have as much to do with romance as a rotting turnip) or 'Special Interests':
Sexysindy: I feel so hot
Secretgeek: wanna chat?
Anotherone: so do I, sindy
Andanother: IM me
Yetanother: hey sexy lets go then
Onlinehost: ***FBIAgent leaves room and re-enters as Undercover and
Onlinehost: hides behind curtains
A/s man: asl all ?
Secretgeek: 16/m/ny
Anotherone: 18/m/ca
Andanother: 15/m/tx
Yetanother: 17/m/fl
Sexysindy: 21/f/mo
Secretgeek: whoops, mistyped, I'm 22/m
Anotherone: oh you meant in earth years - I'm 23/m
Andanother: my little bro did that, I'm 22/m as well
Yetanother: damn it, I'm one year older than you sindy, and any other
Yetanother: girls here
Onlinehost: ***Sexysindy and Anotherone go into private cyberspace
Onlinehost: ***Lustylinda enters room
Secretgeek: Hi linda
Andanother: Hi linda
Yetanother: Hi linda
Lustylinda: i LOVE a man in uniform
Secretgeek: as i was saying, being promoted to General does
Secretgeek: mean i get my own guards everywhere now...
Yetanother: i'm finally off traffic duty, and yesterday i shot my first innocent
Yetanother: bystander so i'm a real cop now
Onlinehost: ***BustyBecky enters room
Andanother: do school blazers and ties count ?
Onlinehost: ***Lustylinda and Yetanother leave and go to a cheap motel
Secretgeek: hi becky
Andanother: hi becky
BustyBecky: aren't there any girls in here ?
Secretgeek: you're in the wrong place for some housewife chat
BustyBecky: well I want to do more than that
Secretgeek: oh I see, yeah, lots of girls come in here, just wait a
Secretgeek: while.
Secretgeek: hang on, have to go, bye
Onlinehost: ***Secretgeek leaves to set up new screenname
Andanother: you inclined that way then ?
BustyBecky: ?
Andanother: you know f4f
BustyBecky: oh no, just wondering if any friends were here
Andanother: wanna go somewhere private ?
BustyBecky: yeah, sure
Onlinehost: ***Secretgeek enters as HotHeather
Onlinehost: ***BustyBecky and Andanother leave and go into the woods
Onlinehost: ***BClinton enters room
Hotheather: hey come back Becky !
BClinton: hiya heather, call me willy
Hotheather: um...hi
BClinton: we've got the room to ourselves, you know
Hotheather: um...so we have
Onlinehost: ***Undercover steps out from behind the curtain
Undercover: Aha, Bill !
Hotheather: phew !
BClinton: darn these FBI agents...bye heather
Onlinehost: ***BClinton and Undercover leave room
Hotheather: oh well, maybe tomorrow night
Onlinehost: ***Hotheather leaves room
These names are entirely fictitious and any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidental.
These can be thought of chatrooms with padded walls. The native residents here are unfamiliar with the idea of conversation, so rantings and ravings are the usual end product:
Psychopath1: Towels of the world unite!
Psychopath2: Yes, it's time for a revolution
Psychopath1: We need a united front against those dangerous bathrobes
Psychopath3: Let's march to the Capitol now!
Psychopath2: hold on...I'm stuck
Psychopath1: ok, I'll jump on the Big Sock and come to help you
Psychopath2: I'm inside a lightbulb though!
Psychopath3: follow the Orange Brick Road then
Psychopath4: let's slit some chickens' throats to free him
Psychopath5: I need to lay an egg first
Psychopath2: It's hot in here...hurry, I just have my giant talking
tortilla chip for company too
Psychopath3: you think you have problems? my fourth head just fell off!
Psychopath1: really? can I take the brain home for dinner?
Psychopath3: sure, just don't eat the mould
Psychopath1: ok...what are the microwave instructions for it?
Psychopath4: Run! the Stray Towel Inspector's coming
Onlinehost: ***Psychopath1 leaves room
Onlinehost: ***Psychopath2 leaves lightbulb
Onlinehost: ***Psychopath3 leaves room
Onlinehost: ***Psychopath4 leaves room
Onlinehost: ***Psychopath5 leaves room
Don't even think about entering these unless you want a headache for the rest of the day, not just from deciphering the mixture of upper & lower case, but because the average IQ is so low that you have to decipher the meanings in their ramblings.
People with strange role-playing identities come in and show off, and hold meaningless conversations in inns, before 'setting off' to do meaningless tasks:
Onlinehost: ***Saneperson enters tavern
Saneperson: ::orders a drink and sits in corner::
Innkeeper: not these people again...
Onlinehost: Gambler rolled 5 87-sided dice: 34 60 21 83 09
Onlinehost: ***DarkKnight enters tavern
Onlinehost: ***EvilWitch enters tavern
Onlinehost: ***GreatEagle enters tavern
Onlinehost: ***OldWizard enters tavern
Onlinehost: ***MagicMole enters tavern
Onlinehost: ***Starman enters tavern
OnlineHost: ***MysticLady enters tavern
DarkKnight: ::crashes into tavern::
EvilWitch: ::comes out of the tavern fireplace::
GreatEagle: ::flies in through an open window::
OldWizard: ::materialises at the bar::
MagicMole: ::pops up through the floor::
Starman: ::beamed down into room::
MysticLady: ::waltzes in::
Onlinehost: Gambler rolled 5 104-sided dice: 96 42 58 12 16
DarkKnight: that's my stool, old wizard
OldWizard: yeah ? what are you gonna do about it ?
DarkKnight: ::unleashes sword and chops wizard's head off::
OldWizard: ::performs 'Come back to life' spell and comes back to life::
OldWizard: ::knocks Knight unconscious with stick::
DarkKnight: ::gets up, and stabs Wizard in heart::
OldWizard: ::performs 'Replacement Heart' spell::
OldWizard: ::shoots Knight with pistol::
Onlinehost: Gambler rolled 2 78-sided dice: 49 70
DarkKnight: ::activates invincible armour::
DarkKnight: ::strangles Wizard to death::
OldWizard: ::performs 'Come back to life' spell and comes back to life::
OldWizard: ::creates tank and tramples over Knight::
DarkKnight: ::lifts up tank and summons the Mighty Sword Of Gorgonzola::
DarkKnight: ::stabs Wizard with the Mighty Sword, so that he cannot
DarkKnight: return to life again::
OldWizard: ::summons the 'Come Back To Life When Stabbed By The Mighty
OldWizard: Sword Of Gorgonzola' spell and comes back to life::
Onlinehost: Gambler rolled 10 33-sided dice: 24 7 10 2 29 18 16 1 31 26
OldWizard: ::launches an air strike against Knight::
DarkKnight: ::takes out Portable Laser Anti-aircraft Defence System and
DarkKnight: destroys aircraft::
DarkKnight: ::summons the Hammer Of Mozzarella, which disallows all
DarkKnight: spells, and hits Wizard over the head with it so that he
DarkKnight: suffers internal bleeding and dies::
OldWizard: ::exact clone of OldWizard materialises on the spot and
OldWizard: forces Knight to swallow a nuclear bomb which explodes in
OldWizard: his stomach::
Onlinehost: Gambler rolled 1 103294-sided dice: 89075
DarkKnight: ::feels a slight pain in his Nuclear-Proof Stomach, and hits
DarkKnight: Wizard with the Hammer, so killing him::
OldWizard: ::clone appears::
DarkKnight: ::hits him with Hammer::
OldWizard: ::clone appears::
DarkKnight: ::hits him with Hammer::
OldWizard: ::clone appears::
DarkKnight: ::hits him with Hammer::
OldWizard: how about we call it a draw ?
Onlinehost: Gambler rolled 3 179-sided dice: 160 52 89
DarkKnight: ok, then
OldWizard: By the Jzolrtsyp of Rdat I proclaim you a Tqusi !
OldWizard: ::goes back to magical tower::
Onlinehost: ***OldWizard leaves tavern
Innkeeper: er...anyone want a pint of beer ?
Onlinehost: ***DarkKnight leaves tavern
Onlinehost: ***EvilWitch leaves tavern
Onlinehost: ***GreatEagle leaves tavern
Onlinehost: ***OldWizard leaves tavern
Onlinehost: ***MagicMole leaves tavern
Onlinehost: ***Starman leaves tavern
OnlineHost: ***MysticLady leaves tavern
Innkeeper: phew, they've gone. I don't need these maniacs, who keep
pretending they're in a fantasy world or something. I'm just
an ordinary elven innkeeper.
Saneperson: ::mumbles something and runs out::
Onlinehost: ***Saneperson leaves tavern
These tend to be quite a popular type of chatroom on AOL. People (presumably with low self-esteem) enter the room and then start to 'rate' other people's names/profiles/etc, in return for their own one being rated by the others in the room. The word 'pointless' springs to mind, although of course it is inappropriate, because everything is given points:
Rateme: Rate my name -Adolf- please, please, please
Ratemine: Someone rate me -Lucifer
Ratemetoo: No me first - Satan
TheRater: Lucifer - 6.66...too girly for me
Andrateme: Pol...please rate me !!!
TheRater: what a brutal dictatorial name that is...definitely 8.478
NextRater: no, too overrated...8.477, Pol
NextRater: don't kill me in the fields ::wink wink::
ImPinochet: rate Augusto someone
TheRater: Augusto - 7 sounds nice and caring, but doesn't quite cut the mustard
IamHari: rate Mata
TheRater: 3...definitely not sexy at all
NextRater: Mata ? 2...yuk, if I was a Frenchman I would be put off by that name
Saneperson: er...what's your name TheRater and NextRater ???
TheRater: Curses, we're foiled again Osama !
NextRater: bin Laden to you, Leeson !
TheRater: oh dear...
NextRater: whoops...
Onlinehost: ***TheRater slips out to cause more financial havoc in gullible merchant
banks
Onlinehost: ***NextRater goes to back to his Afghani hideout to burn some US flags